1. Bright-Eyed Novice
Just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess
and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building.
They think sex is GOOD, not evil, and want to know where to sign
up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think
a moment about which is deosil and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new
athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time
they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert
Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three
people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently,
knows dish about people you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity and returning the planet
to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic,
no smoke, no drugs, no eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics,
no TV, no car--but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying Greek,
Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals".
All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly
aware of which direction is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions,
or whatever was on sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying
it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in
her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties
of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for
amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently from
her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you
can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant,
drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage.
Will recite love poetry to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors.
Often destitute. All too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..."
Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially
if there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being
canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Can assume a properly smiley work persona
at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking
for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous
tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows
what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines
appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their
jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an
emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol.
If you don't know what it means, you're a dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Easy to picture as an alternative musician
or bike messenger, difficult to visualize as a school teacher or research
assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always
wears black leather, even when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for
elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order
to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially
for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them
how it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Always has plenty of books to autograph and
will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from cover price.
Never seen unaccompanied by beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on.
Seems vaguely afraid of anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide,
knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquest.
Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_ with smug satisfaction.
Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they want you
to think they're capable of vast destruction.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women
favor heavy black eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on
their person. If you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would
be wise to stay far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several variants
along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebody who
was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, and
have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell you
all about, in great detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the
backpack rattling with various psychiatric medications, and the garments
that were clearly designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of
interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real
fast and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Dresses in color combinations that hurt the
eyes unless you've taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never
goes anywhere without ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple
or are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions
could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: When you look at this person, does every sex
act you've ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so,
congratulations -- you've found a Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an orchestra
with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High Episcopagan! They
can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe, have more ritual garb than
most people have socks, and consider their main pagan influences to be
Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows
every note of "Carmina Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th
century seed pearl trim on their ritual hat unless you've got an hour to
spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really
be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition
of people who couldn't read, then it must really be WAY true.
Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses,
or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city,
eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the
old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's books" argument. Goes around correcting
everyone's gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures,
and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many
animals can you see when looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including
critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found
a worshipper of beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist-racist-homophobic- imperialist-Eurocentric
content without paying attention to what is actually being said. Believes
in personal liberty -- everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic
and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly
self-righteous at the same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Beady, hyper-alert little eyes are constantly
in motion, waiting for someone to do or say something BAD. Has loud and
attention attracting hissy fits when confronted with everyday things such
as advertising or corporate franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely
activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you
just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most
persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish
to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor
than #17. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or
"whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek jokes.
Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science
fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Two fisted drinking style. Probably still
lives with parents. Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia.
Too smart for their own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is
about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious
than that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other
way! Are secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their
tender hetero bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Living spaces abound with depiction's of satyrs
with enormous genitals and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured
nails and wreaths of flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy
beards instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with
a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They throw
the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like
persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
"Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't
buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come in silver
and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would
you like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?"
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Has business cards featuring little embossed
pentagrams. You've never seen so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human
being in your whole life.